21 May I Need Someon Do My Homwork
Chapter 9 Follow the Clients Lead Rather than assuming that you know what the client needs, allow the client to lead you. This is her world, you are the guest. In these two cases I show how I was able to help by letting the clients dictate where we needed to go and what we needed to do. Sometimes thinking small is better than thinking large. Presbury, Echterling & McKee (2002, p. 208) stated it this way: “Contrary to one of the popular myths in counseling, the amount of time it takes to reach a resolution does not have to equal the amount of time involved in acquiring the problem in the first place. Neither does the strength of your intervention have to
surpass the strength of the problem. A gentle nudge may be all that’s necessary.” The following story shows how one client resolved her problem on her own, once I gave her a gentle nudge. Resolving Part of a Problem May Be Enough When Pat came to see me, she was obviously depressed. Her hair was dirty; she was not wearing make-up; she was slouched and had no energy. Pat had suffered from depression for several years, which began when she was in a relationship with a man who constantly degraded her. Prior to this relationship, she had good self-esteem and was happy; since the relationship she had been depressed and had low self-esteem. She constantly needed a male to give her attention. When she did not get attention, she felt depressed. She also still heard the voice of her ex-boyfriend putting her down, which further depressed her. I asked her to tell me what percent of her depression was caused by a lack of attention from males, what percent was caused by hearing the voice of her ex-boyfriend and what percent was caused by her low esteem. She said that 40% was due to lack of attention, 40% was due to the voice of her ex-boyfriend and 20% was due to her low esteem. What would you address first? Would you help Pat with her need for attention, the thoughts about her ex-boyfriend, her low esteem or something else? Concerning the issue you chose to focus on first, what is the first step you would encourage Pat to take? Write your thoughts before reading further. I asked Pat which issue she wanted to address first. She said she wanted to get rid of the negative messages of her ex-boyfriend. I taught Pat to move the voice of her ex-boyfriend outside of her head, turn the volume down and change the voice to that of a cartoon character. I had her practice doing this in the session until she was confident that she could easily do it anytime she began to hear the voice. We agreed that in our next session we would begin to work on overcoming her constant need for attention. When Pat came the next week she was a different person. Her hair was clean and combed neatly and she wore make-up; she sat erect and could look me in the eye. She was also smiling. She said that changing the voice of her ex-boyfriend had worked miracles. Simply making this one change had eliminated her need for constant attention from men, and she discovered that she felt much better about herself. Her thought patterns had changed from ones of gloom and doom to positive and hopeful thoughts. She had amazed herself at the complete turnaround she had done in a few days. We agreed that our work was done, though we made an appointment for a month later to be sure that the changes were permanent. As soon as I saw her a month later, I knew that she was still doing well. She reported that, during the past month, she had no depression and her esteem had steadily increased. She said, “I feel like the Pat I was before that horrible relationship.” This example shows how helping clients get started in the right direction is sometimes all that is needed. Once they receive the initial help, they can do the remainder of the work themselves and many times they can do it quickly. This example also shows the importance of trusting the client to choose the best direction for therapy. In the following case, the clients took me to a place that I would never have chosen to go. They knew where they needed to go to resolve their issue. If I had not followed their lead, I would have failed miserably. The client is the expert on the problem and how to resolve it. Littrell (1998, p. 42) wrote, “Brief counselors begin counseling believing that because their clients are such experts in their lives it is absolutely necessary to tap clients’ expertise if counseling is to be successful.” Always listen carefully to the communication of the client. Short, Erickson & Klein (2005, p. 28) wrote
, Erickson & Klein (2005, p. 28) wrote the following about Milton Erickson: “Erickson did not believe patients should be made to conform to other people’s theoretical models of change. He believed that the philosophy of change must come from the patient and not from the textbook.” The following story illustrates how listening to the client can take therapy in a totally unexpected direction. Effects of Childhood As a rule, I don’t spend time on past events. However, there are those exceptions when understanding one’s past helps resolve a present issue. This was true for Harold and Violet, who came to me because neither was happy with their marriage. One of their major issues was Violet feeling rejected by Harold and Harold feeling stressed by Violet’s demand for attention. They had been married for 8 years and, over these years, Violet had built up resentment for what she perceived as Harold’s rejection. Harold and Violet found themselves in a vicious cycle: Violet would feel rejected and demand attention from Harold; feeling stressed, Harold would withdraw to cope with the stress. When Harold would withdraw, Violet would feel more rejected. How would you have helped Harold and Violet break this cycle? Write your thoughts before reading further. I asked Violet to pay attention to how old she felt when she felt rejected by Harold. She stated that she felt like a little girl of maybe 8 or 9. I asked her to return to that age and remember a particular experience of rejection. She related an experience when she felt rejected by her father. As a child Violet had been repeatedly rejected by her father, who was apparently incapable of loving her and giving her approval. He told her time and time again that he disapproved of her and was disappointed with her. When he was not demeaning her, he was simply withdrawn from her. Thus, for Violet, withdrawal meant rejection. I asked Harold what he felt when Violet expressed her feelings of rejection. He said he felt stress and pressure. I asked him to pay attention to how old he felt when he experienced this stress and pressure. He stated that he felt like a boy of 10 or 11. I asked him to return to that age and remember a particular experience when he felt stress and pressure. He related an experience of his parents’ fighting and tension in the house. In his childhood, Harold had lived in a stressful home, and he coped with the stress by withdrawing. When the family atmosphere became tense, he retreated to his room; for Harold, withdrawing was a protective device. As we dissected this process, Violet came to realize that she was reacting to her father’s rejection. When Harold would withdraw, he was not rejecting her. Harold came to realize how his withdrawal affected Violet and why she reacted as she did. Making these connections to their childhoods freed them to better understand themselves and each other, making it easier to change their behaviors. I saw Harold and Violet for five sessions. In the first session, they indicated their love for each other and their desire to be happy together, but they also expressed how unhappy they were. By the fifth session, they expressed how much happier they were and how hopeful they were for a happy marriage. The major breakthrough was their understanding of how their childhoods were affecting their relationship. My sessions with Harold and Violet are an example of listening to the clients and allowing them to dictate the session’s direction. I would never have chosen to look into their pasts to discover the resolution to their present problems. However, they took the session in this direction, and I followed their lead. They knew better than I where we needed to go.
Exercise: When you are having a conversation with a friend, allow them to lead the conversation, while you practice responding so that you follow their lead. Notice how this is different from your leading the conversation. Of course, allowing clients to lead the conversation doesn’t mean that you allow them to waste time. Keep them focused on being productive; as they are focused, allow them to take you where they need to go. Also, think of a problem in your life that involves multiple issues. Which part of the problem will you address first? Why? What thought processes did you use in selecting the part that you chose? How will resolving this part of the problem affect the total problem? The next time you work with a client with multiple problems or multiple components of a problem, allow the client to choose which aspect should be addressed first. Notice how this ability to choose empowers the client.
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