Business Writing Fundamentals with Judy Steiner­Williams

09 Jun Business Writing Fundamentals with Judy Steiner­Williams

Question
Business Writing
Fundamentals
with Judy

Steiner­Williams

Exercise Guide ­ Answer Key
Directions: Use this answer key to compare my revisions with yours. Ive left
comments to explain my choices.

Clear
1. Original Version: Jack told Jim that he could leave the meeting early.

The problem is that we dont know who gets to leave the meeting earlyJack or
Jim?
Revision: Jack said to Jim, You may leave the meeting early. Jack told Jim that Jim could leave
the meeting early.

In these two, Jim leaves early.
Jack said to Jim, I am leaving the meeting early.

In this one Jack leaves early.
2. Original Version: Put the report on the corner desk in the conference room.

Are we supposed to put the report on the corner desk in the conference room or
pick up
the report from the corner desk and place it in the conference room?
Revision: Put the report that is on the corner desk in the conference room.

This revision indicates that the report is on the corner desk.

The report should be placed on the corner desk in the conference room.

This revision means that the report is to be placed on the corner desk.
3. Original Version: Younger workers made delicious appetizers at the banquet.

The younger workers were probably not served as the appetizers. This is an
example where we can assume what the writer meant even though the writer did
not write clearly what was meant.
Revision: The younger workers prepared delicious appetizers for the banquet attendees.

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Conversational
2. Original Version: Please be advised that I am sending your materials pursuant to your request
under separate cover and also inquiring today in regards to your August 10 Order #249. Thank
you for the acknowledgement that you received it. Kindly let me know if the order was complete
upon receipt of it. With reference to the aforementioned order, it was shipped August 4.

Please be advised, pursuant to your request, and in regards to are not
convesational phrases.
Revision: You will receive your requested materials in a separate package. Also, was Order #249
(shipped August 4) complete?
3. Original Version: In accordance with your wishes for your ordering preference and
notwithstanding the fact that you are changing the ordering procedure we have on file for you, it
should be noted that we are hereby advising you that your next order will be shipped by Red Line
Motor Freight.

In accordance with, notwithstanding the fact, should be noted that, and
hereby advising are not conversational words for most of us.
Revision: As you requested, your next order will be sent by Red Line Motor Freight.
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Considerate
1. Original Version: I am writing to answer your questions about the survey I conducted by
telephone
on Saturday, September 19. You wanted to know what I asked and who was included in the
survey. I questioned a few customers in two groupsthose who are new and those who are long­
time customers. The purpose of the survey was to find out why the new customers became our
customers and why the long­time customers remain customers. I also wanted to find out what
they know about our competition and if the location of the customer made any difference in how
long theyve been our customer. Other relevant information that I thought would be important is
if they like for our representatives to leave voicemail and if our hours are convenient.

The reader is faced with a long paragraph loaded with lots of information that is
difficult to separate.
Revision: The following data was collected from the telephone survey of both new and long­time
customers I conducted on Saturday, September 19:

Reasons customers choose to do business with us

How we rank against our competition

If our hours and location are convenient

The preferred method of contact
2. Original Version:
TO: All employees

FROM: Jami Hulen, Supervisor JH DATE: (current date)
SUBJECT: Company Absenteeism
On August 8, the Human Resource Department mailed questionnaires (copy attached) to
the supervisors of each of the ten departments. Nine of the supervisors have returned the
questionnaires. The received responses are being tabulated and analyzed. After the
committee thoroughly studies the results, it will then recommend how to help improve
attendance. All employees will receive copies of this report at least one week before the
September meeting so everyone will have an opportunity to think about the
recommendations and have input at the meeting. Mary, Jon, and Alan will present the
analyses at the annual employee meeting on (include date).

The writer was not considerate of the readers time, first because the
subject line does not clearly identify the memos content. Second, two
different ideas are included, but the writer has put both into one paragraph.
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Revision:
TO: All employees
FROM: Jami Hulen, Supervisor JH
DATE: (current date)
SUBJECT: Progress on and Plans for Study of Company Absenteeism Here is the most current
information on the company absenteeism study.
Questionnaire Process
On August 8, the Human Resource Department mailed questionnaires (copy attached) to the
supervisors of each of the ten departments. Nine of the supervisors have returned the
questionnaires.
The responses are being tabulated and analyzed.
Future Plans
After the committee thoroughly studies the results, it will then recommend how to help improve
attendance. All employees will receive copies of this report at least one week before the
September meeting so everyone will have an opportunity to think about the recommendations and
have input at the meeting.
Mary, Jon, and Alan will present the analyses at the annual employee meeting on (current date)
3. Original Version: The building was inspected last month by our VP, and it exceeded the
minimum requirement we need for a new storage facility. Ryan said to make certain that
everyone on the committee knows that our minimum requirement is 10,000 sq. ft. and that the
Maxum Building is 12,000 sq. ft. Other items on the agenda for the next meeting are overtime
pay, which needs to be reduced, and parking
lot upgrades. Ryan mentioned that the building inspector will give a report on the Maxum
Buildings condition. The parking lot will get new security lights by the end of the quarter.

This message does not begin with the purpose, has more than one idea, jumps back
and forth between ideas, and does not organize the information into logical
categories.

Revision:
VP Ryans Agenda Items for Next Months Meeting

Maxum Building Update: The Maxum Building, which is being considered for a new
storage location, is 12,000 sq. ft., 2,000 sq. ft. more than our minimum requirement. The
building inspector will report on his findings about the buildings condition.

Overtime Pay: It will be reduced.

Parking Lot: New security lights that will be installed by the end of the quarter.

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Correct
1. Original Version: All along the production line employees have expressed a need for more
frequent breaks.

The reader doesnt know what the sentence means without the correct punctuation.
If the comma is inserted after All along, the message is different from the comma
being inserted after line.
Revision: All along, the production line employees have expressed a need for more frequent
breaks. (Meaning they have always wanted the breaks.)
All along the production line, employees have expressed a need for more frequent breaks.
(Meaning the production line employees are the ones that want the breaks.)
2. Original Version: Here are a list off the attendees; Susanna Arreaza, Doris Belmount, Pam
Burin, Steve Corey, James Medinna, Kev Peary, Melanie White, and Lou Waters. The list is is
complete. If you want too request more information about the class. Please call 1.800.555.520.

This example has problems with subject­verb agreement, look­alike words,
punctuation, proofreading, homonyms, and sentence structure.
Revision: Here is a list of the attendees: Susanna Arreaza, Doris Belmount, Pam Burin, Steve
Corey, James Medinna, Kev Peary, Melanie White, and Lou Waters. The list is complete. If you
want to request more information about the class, please call 1.800.555.5206.
3. Original Version: Everyone brought their lunch to the meeting. The consensus was that its not
going to rain so the meeting can be held in the park Sam said that he will make sure everybody
know where to park.

This example contains a run­on sentence and confuses the homonyms its and
its.
Revision: Everyone brought his/her lunch for the meeting. The consensus was that its not going
to rain, so the meeting can be held in the park. Sam said that he will make sure everybody knows
where to park.
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Courteous

1. Original Version: You cant use that door even if it is closer to the parking lot because
company policy says that door is to be used only by guests. I cant grant you an exception. You
certainly should know by now which door is the employee door!

This example contains negative words (cant and company policy) and uses a
preachy tone.
Revision: Door A is reserved for guests only. Door B is always available for all employees.
2. Original Version: If you had followed the instructions that came with the product, you
wouldnt be requesting another one to replace the broken one you returned. Even though you
didnt follow the directions, we are going to send you a replacement.

This example uses a preachy tone and lingers on the negative, but it also places
blame on the customer.
Revision: You will receive your replacement, along with an updated instruction manual, by
Friday. Page 13 diagrams the steps to using your product to ensure that it provides years of
dependable service.
3. Original Version: We are going to accept your request to participate in your donation efforts.
We think that helping the homeless in our community is something that shouldnt be ignored.
Because we dont have enough in our budget for the rest of the year, we cant give what you have
requested. We hope that this $10,000 will give us thepublicity that we are a Silver Donor as
listed on your information sheet.

Again, the writer is using a negative tone. Phrases like shouldnt be, we dont,
and we cant arent necessary.
Revision: Here is our $10,000 Silver Donor donation to help your organizations worthwhile
efforts to help the homeless in our community.

Concise
2. Original Version: Weve noticed some of you struggling to read the information on the billing
ticket. Weve experimented with different positions and have found that ideally, it would be best
to put the billing ticket just below the screen and above the keyboard.

This example contains extra (and obvious) information.
Revision: The best location for easily reading the billing ticket is between the screen and
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3. Original Version: We are writing to inform you that the purpose of this letter is to indicate that
if we are unable to mutually benefit from our seller/buyer relationship, with satisfactory payment,
then we have no alternative other than to sever the relationship. In other words, unless the account
is handled in 45 days, we will have to change your terms to a permanent COD basis. Due to the
fact that your account is past due for the amount of $1,500, the privilege of buying on credit will
in the future no longer be available because we can longer provide that service until your unpaid
balance is paid.

107 words

The example contains a lot of words that dont add any meaning. We are writing
to inform you? Well, of course.

Revision: Please pay your $1,500 account balance by (date) to keep your credit account open.
After that date, your account will be permanent COD.

23 words Complete
1. Original Version: You are invited to be one of the first guests at our new store. An open house
will be held from 4:00­6:00 p.m. on Friday (include exact date). Hors doeuvres will be served
and tours will be available for you to view the new facilities.

Where is the new store located?
Revision: You are invited to be one of the first guests at our new store, located on the northwest
corner of Grimes and Smith, 9001 N. Grimes. An open house will be held from 4:00­6:00 p.m. on
Friday (include exact date). Hors doeuvres will be served and tours will be available for you to
view the new facilities.
2. Original Version: You will need to contact the team leader who has just been assigned to the
recruiting team. The leader will tell you when and where the next meeting is and the agenda. Let
the team leader know that you have been notified of this change.

Who is the new team leader? How should he be contacted? When is the
information needed?
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Revision: You will need to contact Jim Bain, the new team leader for the recruiting team. Jim will
notify everyone when and where the next meeting is and provide the agenda. Let Jim know at
[email protected] company.org by 5:00 p.m. Friday that you have been notified of this change.
3. Original Version: If you want to take advantage of the opportunity to earn the preferred
customer status and reap all the benefits, be certain you have purchased the required amount,
have submitted the required forms on line, and have activated your new card if you have received
it.

This example raises a lot of questions. What are the benefits of this status? What is
the required purchase amount? Where can I find the required forms? What is I
havent received my new card?
Revision: You will have the preferred customer status and be able to have advance notice of all
sales and save 20% on your total purchase, as soon as you have

purchased a total of $500

completed the forms at [email protected].com

activated your new card, which should arrive by (date)

Concrete
1. Original Version: As we discussed, I needed to work to the best of my abilities, and I
think I improved. I called on more customers and made more sales. I was on time almost
always for my appointments and remembered to bring extra forms.

This example contains vague words that dont project confidence, such as
I think and almost.
Revision: Based on the performance improvements you recommended, I achieved the
following:

Called on 14 customers this month (8 last month)

Sales increased to $7,234 from $5,670

Met clients at scheduled time except for Mr. Axsom. (10 minutes late because of traffic
backup and I let him know I would be late)

Had a complete supply of all forms customers requested.

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2. Original Version: I asked several employees how they felt about the new plan, and many of
them said they were opposed to some of the provisions. I learned which provisions they were
opposed to through a survey. Therefore, it shouldnt be approved.

This isnt a very convincing argument. Exactly how many employees are opposed
to the new plan?
Revision: Results of the survey showed that eighty percent of our employees are opposed to
Provisions A, G, and P. I recommend that we postpone approving the new plan.
3. Original Version: As you requested, here is some input about how our company is doing. I like
some of the things our company is doing, but other things are having a negative impact on
employee morale. Some of us think that an employee suggestion box would be beneficial, and
most of my department wants to help with the upcoming company picnic to bond outside of the
office environment.

Again, this examples uses words that are vague about the quality and quantity of
the feedback, e.g. some input, some other things, and some of us think.
Revision: Here is your requested feedback on company work environment:

Positives: Company picnic for employee bonding

More overtime opportunities to increase pay

Opportunities: Increase company­sponsored events

Provide an employee suggestion box

Offer chance to help with department functions

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Credible
1. Original Version: You will probably be turning in your resignation because you said if you
didnt get the promotion, you would quit. I just heard that Janie got the promotion and will start
in the new position before too long.

This is a message the writer might want to think hard about sending. Remember to
always question the source of your information before passing it along. Or, better
yet, wait for the official announcement.
Revision: VP Andersen just announced that beginning January 1, (year), Janie Abitt will be the
new office manager for our company.
2. Original Version: Most of our clients think that we should add more company services. One of
the services mentioned is a delivery service. I know someone I can contact who provides that
service and have already contacted him.

Ask the right questionswhich or how many clients? What services? Whom do
you know (a brother­in­law who is out of work?), and why did you contact them
without authorization?
Revision: Based on a client survey, seventy percent of our customers would use a delivery
service. Lynn Smelter, owner of Smelters Delivery Service, which has been in business for over
20 years, has agreed to give us detailed information by the end of the month.
3. Original Version: Mary said that she knows a better method for some of our companys
processes that someone told her about. She said that they worked great for one of our competitors.

Ask the right questions. Which Mary­­only one in the company? Which company
processes? Someone that worked great? Which competitors?
Revision: Mary Herman in Accounting recently attended a How to Improve Accounting seminar,
sponsored by Ernst & Young. Wright the Wrong software can reduce the amount of payroll
correction time by 25%. Company R, our leading competitor, has used it successfully for six
months.
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Coherent
1. Original Version: A new process for correcting pay check errors will begin Monday. Reminder:
Have you signed up for the company bowling league yet? The landscaping on the north side will
begin next month.

This example contains three different ideas with nothing to connect.
Revision:
Reminders:
1. A new process for correcting paycheck errors will begin Monday.
2. The company bowling league signup ends Wednesday. 3. The landscaping on the north side
will begin next month.
3. Original Version: At the next company­wide sponsored meeting, refreshments will be catered
by Rits Catering Service. How many employees will represent your department? Next week we
have a group of high school students coming to tour our facilities, and we need a couple
volunteers to act as guides for the students. Friday is the last date to give input on our companys
proposed dress policy or to suggest what refreshments we should have for our meeting.

This example contains five unconnected ideas.

Revision:
Please email your input on the following items by Friday (give exact date) to
[email protected].org: 1. How many employees from your department will attend the company­
wide meeting on (date?)
2. What is your preference of refreshments from Rits Catering for the meeting?
3. Are you available to act as a volunteer guide for a group of 50 high school students on (give
date)? 4. What is your input on the proposed dress policy?
Business Writing Fundamentals with Judy Steiner­Williams